A/N: I don't know what I was thinking either. Starring: Mannequin!Dean and Dumbass!Sam. Crackfic.
Sam liked apples.
So when Dean didn't answer his phone after a million tries, he didn't mind that the folks in the little town Dean had been in kept offering him apple pie. It was kickass apple pie and it was freakin' worth it . He kept asking if anyone had seen Dean, and instead of answering, they just kept offering him pie. He was going to puke if they didn't stop, because even he could only eat so much pie. Finally he just kept showing Dean's picture to every girl he saw because if anyone was going to remember seeing Dean it would be them. His brother would have hit on most of them while he was there.
Several remembered seeing him but couldn't say where he'd gone.
"He's hot, isn't he?" Sam said.
They looked at him suspiciously, as if that was a strange thing to say about his brother. What did they know, anyway?
Sam realized he wasn't getting anywhere, so he decided to walk off all the pie by searching for Dean around town. He looked in most of the stores and under a few porches and finally asked where the orchard was, because really who didn't want to see a badass scarecrow that came to life?
The trees were kind of foo-foo and no good for climbing. The random baskets of apples confused him since it was supposed to be April and they were obviously last year's apples. Sitting out. In baskets...for no reason. Thinking about the apples made him realize he never wanted apple pie again after that day, and then he wondered why Apple Jacks didn't taste like apples...
He banged his head on the scarecrow.
He looked up at it and wrinkled his nose. "Crap, that's it? A Todd MacFarlane reject?"
He couldn't be sure, but it looked like it was flipping him off. He poked at it a couple of times and it seemed way too solid to be hay and rags, so he pulled the pants out a little bit and noticed it was wearing Dean's boxer briefs. That was almost as confusing as the baskets of apples. When he pulled the sleeves up, he noticed it was wearing Dean's leather bracelets. Either the thing had taken a real liking to his brother, or he'd found Dean.
"Jeez," he said, and left the orchard. He went over to the local community college to ask about pagan fertility gods, and showed the professor his dimples and puppy dog eyes. The professor gave him all the books he needed.
When he went back into town to ask about how come Dean was dressed as a scarecrow and stuck up on a pole, they just gave him more pie. With ice cream. He began to suspect they were trying to divert his attention. But he sat and ate pie and read the books, and came to the realization that if he just waited a year, and brought the scarecrow a couple to sacrifice, the spell would be broken and some other guy could take Dean's place.
He wasn't sure what to do with a whole year, since it wasn't enough time to go back to school but it was too long to have to wander around hunting demons and stuff by himself. Also, Dean wasn't really dead and there was no point moping. So he went back to the orchard and made up for a lot of things. He discovered that an entire bushel of apples fit down Dean's new scarecrow pants. There was a boutique in town, and when he was done, Dean was also wearing a bustier, a feather boa, a pair of fuzzy dice, and a large red hat with a purple feather sticking out of it. Sam took several pictures with his phone. For posterity.
A year later, Sam made puppy dog eyes at Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, who were back together, and invited them to Burkitsville for pie.
"A year?" Dean said. "A year ?"
"Well, yeah," Sam said. "It was part of the ritual. I had to let the cycle go around or something. But it's over now, and you didn't really miss anything. Plus, there's one less annoying celebrity couple to worry about."
Dean made a face that indicated Sam had a point. "But dude. I've been wearing the same underwear for a year."
"Have some pie," Sam said.