THE TITANIUM HIP!
OOOH SCARY!
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There once was a rock star who was hiking in Hawaii (yeah right sure, a hiking rock star. NOT) who like I already said was hiking in Hawaii and injured his hip.

This caused much trouble amongst his bandmates, as they had hoped to tour, but it was not to be. The singer (who is the aforementioned rock star) tried and tried not to have surgery, as it was really very traumatic...I mean, cutting his leg half off and popping the joint out, and propping the leg up over his ear while they put a new joint on! I mean come on! He hasn't been able to get his heel behind his ear since he was 20! Or that's what the guitarist says...(ahem).

Anyway, the singer gets replaced and has his old hip replaced with a new titanium one. The band tours but only a little and with someone else...then they try and put their new album out but it gets pushed back....back....back....oops. SO the guitarist is mad and the keyboardist is mad and the drummer is a little mad and maybe the bassist is mad but no one can tell.

Finally, the singer dies when he's about 120. So they toted him way out into the prairie and buried him. Yes--that makes the guitarist about 118. After all those years of pickling, they're all pretty well preserved.

Since the band never got a Grammy, the guitarist decides he needs a trophy of some kind, and he goes out on the prairie(?) and digs up that titanium hip and tucks it under his jacket. When he got home, he tried putting it on the mantle but it had a rounded edge and kept rolling off. So he took it upstairs and put it under the bedcovers, and hopped in.

Hey--we're talking about a guy who kept trying to kiss the mannequins in the 'Chain Reaction' video. Don't even ask.

Now, the hip was pretty cold from being buried out on the prairie, so the guitarist is pretty cold...and you can bet his 9th wife didn't like it either.

Anyway, the wind rose outside, and the guitarist started to hear something in it. He heard a ghostly voice singing,

"Oh Sherrie...our love...hooooooolds ooooooooooon......hoooooooooooooooooooooooolds oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn....."

And he was pretty scared. Like most folks when they hear that song.

The again way off in the distance he hears,

"Ooooooh Sheeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."

And he jumped out of bed and opened the window and yelled, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Then the ghostly voice said,

"W-H-E-R-E'S M-Y T-I-T-A-N-I-U-M H-I-P?"

The guitarist pulled the covers up over his head so he wouldn't hear it. But he did anyway. It was in his yard now, crying,

"W-H-E-R-E'S M-Y T-I-T-A-N-I-U-M H-I-P?"

Then he heard it on the porch,

"W-H-E-R-E'S M-Y T-I-T-A-N-I-U-M H-I-P?"

and at the front door.

"W-H-E-R-E'S M-Y T-I-T-A-N-I-U-M H-I-P?"

The guitarist shook and shivered under the covers. The wind blew as the front door burst open and he could hear it coming up the stairs. Actually, the truth is, it was hopping up the stairs, because even pissed off supernatural entities need two hips to walk a flight of stairs. So it hop-hop-hopped. Thud thud thud. Then he heard it cursing when it fell up the stairs, because even when he was alive and had two good hips, the singer had trouble with stairs.

(Yeah SURE you were hiking in Hawaii!!)

So the singer was pretty mad.

"W-H-E-R-E'S M-Y F-U-C-K-I-N-G T-I-T-A-N-I-U-M H-I-P?"

Then the door to the guitarist's room flew open, and even through the covers he could see it, tall and white, hopping into his room.

"I-'M I-N T-H-E R-O-O-M,"

it said. The guitarist just about wet himself. Hop-hop-hop. Then it was by the bed.

"I-'M S-T-A-N-D-I-N-G B-Y T-H-E B-E-D,"

it said.

"Duh, I know," the guitarist said. "Asshole, I can see you." He pulled the covers further up over his head and yawned.

"I-'M P-U-L-L-I-N-G T-H-E C-O-V-E-R-S O-F-F,"

it said.

"Jesus," the guistarist said, "no wonder you never got married. The foreplay must have been fun as hell."

"I-'M G-E-T-T-I-N-G I-N T-H-E B-E-D,"

it said. And it did. And...

IT GRABBED HIM!

And he liked it.

The end.


now get outta here, ya perverts!! Necrophelia isn't allowed, even in Halloween stories!!

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