After They Were Rock Stars   Part II: Insurance
(c)2001 B Stearns
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Disclaimer: Any resemblance to insurance companies living, dead or sitting across the street from Microsoft is purely coincidental.
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FADE IN: The band is stuck working at some large unnamed insurance company that rhymes with 'Bafeco'.

Neal: What's this?

Trainer: manuals.

Neal: what the fuck am I supposed to do with….Jesus, there's 10 of them!

Trainer: Read them. It'll only take you about a month, then you can really start working. It's a crash course in insurance. About 3 books in, we'll teach you some workflow.

Neal: *sob*

Jon: This'll be great! It's a written in layman's terms….except for the dwelling fire one.

Trainer: No one understands that one. It's okay, you'll fail it at least once.

Neal: What'd you mean, 'fail'??

Trainer: You gotta take a test for each one. If you fail one more than once, your ass is outta here.

Neal: *sob*

Jon: It's okay, Neal – it's open book.

Neal: But each book is like…500 pages…OH GOD HELP ME!

**2 weeks later**

Neal: What's this?

Trainer: Home RQ's.

Neal: What the fuck is a home RQ??

Trainer: [evil, jaded laughter] The insureds fill them out, to make certain we have the correct replacement cost info on their home. SO if it burns down, and it's insured-to-value…

Neal: You people and your evil insurance-speak!! *sob*

Jon: How many of these do we get a day?

Trainer: about 1000, or 1500.

Neal: It takes me about…15 minutes to do one…when the system doesn't crash...

Trainer: Better get busy, then.

Jon: *sob*

Neal: Don't you start cryin' damn you. The job description said data entry!!

Trainer: This is data. Enter it.

Neal: But…but…they say it's a bilevel on the RQ and the prior is a one story with a basement, and you can't have a basement in a bilevel home…so…what do I do?

Trainer: Make a judgment call.

Neal: Only one thing is right, though.

Trainer: Sometimes. Read your notes.

Neal: Huh? I don't get it! You assholes, the notes only cover some situations….

Trainer: Neal, you're kind of hostile. This will have to go on your record, and in your next PR. Also, I've scheduled you for an anti-stress seminar and suggest you go to the next diversity training class.

Neal: *sob*

Jon: I wanna go home…

Trainer: Not until you've fulfilled your 7.75 hours today…and fulfilled your 6.5 hours of required productivity on your tracking program.

Jon: WHAT?

Trainer: Tomorrow you're scheduled to learn easy-hard handrates, which is an accounting function.

Jon: HOLY GOD! Those are the billing screens???

Trainer: Yeah, they read top to bottom except where it breaks up into days, where it reads another way. Here's a list of acronyms you'll need to memorize.

Neal: What're NADS?

Trainer: National Agency Division.

Neal: Yeah RIGHT. [laughter] NADS!

Jon: I quit.

Neal: Dude, not in THIS economy.

Jon: I'm going back to Jack In The Box.

Neal: You're not gonna hit me with the tongs again, are you?

Jon: I thought you kind of liked it.

Neal: ::thinks:: Ok, I did. Let's go.

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