[Neal is working the drive thru at a fast food restaurant]

Neal: Welcome to Jack In The Box. Can I take your order?

Customer: Do you use iceburg lettuce, or is it romaine?

Neal: No.

Customer: Which is it?

Neal: Welcome to Jack In The Crack, can I take your order?

Customer: I asked you a question!

Neal: No, I asked *you* a question. Welcome to Journey In The Box, can I take your goddamn order?

Customer: Is there something wrong with you?

Neal: Okay, what?

Customer: Excuse me?

Neal: What?

Customer: Huh?

Neal (cupping hands over mouth): Wah wah waaaah wah....wah wah waaaaaaah.

Customer: I can't understand you. You-speak-English?

Neal: Pull up to the front.

Customer: What?

Neal: Pull to the goddamn front so's I can slap you in the head, asswipe.

Customer: I wanna speak to your manager!

Neal: You want fries with that, motherfucker?

[Customer parks in a rage, walks in the restaurant and comes to the counter]

Deen: Can I help you?

Customer: I wanna talk to a manager.

Deen: Um....he's gone right now.

Customer: Who's running this place?

Deen: Um....


Deen: Well, see, he's working part time at the Gap. He used to be merchandising manager there. So we're kind of a self-managing franchise. Total creative control...just like we always wanted. Yeah, yeah that's right! Here...have a couple of free burgers...

[The customer storms out.]

[In the meantime, another customer pulls into the drive thru.]

Neal: Yeah?

Customer #2: Hello?

Neal: Yo, speak to the clown. Can I take your order?

Customer #2: What are your specials?

Neal: The iceburg lettuce is good. So was your wife. It's all on the message board, asshole!

Customer #2: Excuse me?

Neal: No. Pull up to the front, and you'll eat whatever I give you.

Customer #2: But...

Neal: That'll be $18.42.

Customer #2: But I didn't order!

Neal: Don't worry...you'll get somethin' veeeerrrrrry special. Pull up to the second window, you numb fuck, or I'll--

[Jon walks up with a set of tongs and hits Neal with them]

Neal: Goddamnit! What's up your ass?

Jon: A bug that looks just like you. Go clean the bathrooms.

Neal: Fuck you, I'm just gettin' the hang of this!

Jon: Neal. Go. Now. Clean the bathrooms, and stack the cardboard out back.

Neal: Maybe when I'm ten toes up and--

Jon: Yeah, I know, dirt nap, respect, all that shit. Get going, or I'll make you wear the misspelled nametag again.

[Neal leaves in a trail of obscenities]

Jon: Ross, come take over the drive thru.

[Ross comes out of the back and obeys with a perfectly straight face]

[Jon walks out to the front counter and beats Deen with the tongs]

Deen: OW! What'd I do??

Jon: Are you lyin' to the cutomers, Deeno? Are you saying there's no manager here?

Deen: Well, Neal keeps....

[Jon hits Deen with the tongs several more times]


Jon: What were you saying? Were you saying 'yes Jon, I'm an asshole?' Is that what I heard? Did I also hear 'yes Jon, you are the God of Jack In The Box, I am your puppet?'

Deen: (muttering) Yes Jon, you're an asshole.

[Jon hits Deen with the tongs several more times] Go sweep the parking lot.

Deen: Aw...sonofabitch. I'm not--

Jon: One more word, and you do it while wearing the Jack suit.

Deen: .......

[Deen goes to sweep the parking lot. Several children point and laugh even though he's not wearing the Jack suit.]

[Another customer pulls up to the drive thru]

Ross: Help us.

Customer #3: Um...hello?

Ross: Help us. We're being held prisoner here. He has tongs.

Customer #3: Is this some kind of joke?

Ross: No. Bring reinforcements.

[Jon walks up with the tongs] How's it going, Ross?

Ross: Fine.

Jon: I need you to put the Jack suit on and go out by the road, Ross. It's a slow day.

Ross: Jon....you seem to be having control issues.

Customer #3: Hello? Is there a problem?

Jon: Ross, I want you to know where Augeri went. Remember how one day he was gonna go back to the Gap, and the next day we did record sales in Jumbo Jacks? Are you understanding me, Ross? One Aug, hold the pickle?

Ross: .......

Jon: Get back to work.

[Jon takes his tongs and disappears into the back]

Ross: Welcome to Jack In The Box, can I take your order?

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