OK: The Bay Area Witch Project II: Too Many Guys Named Steve
(c)2000 by no one in particular who cares to admit it while sober.
Steve Perry: The fucking woods. Again. Why are we IN THE FUCKING WOODS AGAIN? I'm not even in this band anymore!
Jon: You're not really here. But no one will let you leave, so your ghost is haunting us.
Neal: And haunting and haunting and haunting and haunting...Jesus, can you see him too? I was hoping it was a DT.
Steve: Speaking of DT, I hear you assholes had to cancel the South American tour because Neal's passport got revoked.
Ross: He was smuggling stuff in his 'fro during the 70's, and--
Neal: Shut up Ross!!
Ross: --and the Federales confiscated some shit and told him he'd lose a hand if he ever--
Ross: Scooter my daisyheads.
Steve: Be kind of hard to play guitar with one hand and your dick, Neal. Oh wait...you're used to doing things with one hand, because the other is usually on your dick.
Neal: Excuse me, 'Elmo'. At least some of us can find ours...
Steve: Yeah, well...in your case, Elmo it isn't.
Deen: Sorry to butt in or anything, you guys, but does anyone hear that?
Steve: Don't 'shhh' the new guy. Aug, you should speak up whenever you want, don't let these guys boss you like that. Jon's already making you polish the Whale with your ass, doesn't that seem strange to you?
Jon: Everybody shut up, I'm listening for potentially suspenseful shit in the bushes.
Steve: And I'm sure you'll get a song out of that too. Bus wheels...the shower...suspenseful shit in the bushes.
[In the distance, the tape picks up an extended intro to Wheel In The Sky.]
Neal: OH SHIT!
Jon: NOT AGAIN!
Deen: It's a bootleg. That's how we played it during the 'Under The Stars' tour.
Aug: We turned it into a song...it's 'Live And Breathe' now. I think.
Steve: At least it's not Departure. Hey Neal...I still have your underwear.
Ross: Can we get out of here? This is boring as hell.
Aug: Contractual obligation. We still have a couple of pages.
Jon: OH MY GOD! LOOK! IT'S...IT'S....
[Steve Smith comes walking out of the bushes with a boom box over one shoulder]
Ross: 'sup, man?
Smitty: Watchin' the game, havin' a Bud. I've been bootlegging your stuff and selling it. I also leaked Arrival to Napster.
Smitty: Well...I don't know. The Forum got really boring, and I thought...
Neal: But I started posting to the Forum!
Smitty: Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it looked like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um.................................get a new keyboard or something, would you????????????????????
Jon: That's 17 coats of speedboat paint on the Whale, I need to keep it polished somehow...
Steve: Why don't you take your shirt off, then, and polish it with that?
Aug: I'm really, really scared right now.
Steve: Neal will hold you, if you ask.
Neal: Fuck you.
Steve: No, fuck you.
Neal: Noooo....fuck you.
Steve: After you.
Neal: You first.
Steve: Fuuuuuuuuuck you.
Neal: Fuck you infinity plus one!
Ross: Too many guys named Steve in one place...I think there's a curse about that...or something...so...
Steve: To infinity and beyond!
[Ross leaps forward and grabs Steve by the hair, revealing it's not Steve at all but someone in a Steve Perry mask]
Jon: IT'S YOU!
Mugs: Um...yeah. Sorry, Jon.
Jon: What the hell are you doing?
Mugs: Well...remember when Deen hurt his wrist when he was--
Mugs: Dude. Anyway, I got to play two shows with you guys, and then I remembered about how Deen got the call first and how I'd sort of rather be playing with Journey, and...
Mugs: Dude. Dude.
Aug: So you pretended to be Steve and led us all out here to the woods to perpetrate this nefarious plot to insinuate yourself into the inner circle of Journey?
Mugs: I did. I've come to duel Deen, drummer to drummer!
Mugs: I also brought stuff to make S'mores.
Neal: Huh? Eh?
Smitty: Mugs...Michael Bolton will hunt you down if you run off with Journey.
Mugs: That no-talent ass clown?
[Smitty pulls off his own mask and reveals himself to actually be Michael Bolton]
Mugs: Oh, I thought you said Michael Jackson.
[Mugs runs away into the woods, chased by an ass clown]
Aug: Deen...I thought you hurt your wrist when you fell in the shower.
Deen: Um...I can't believe Michael Bolton sold us out to Napster!
Aug: Uh huh...were you 'writing songs' in there, like Jon does?
Ross: Hey...that sounded just like...
[Aug pulls off a mask to reveal that he's actually Steve Perry]
[Neal screams like a little girl and runs off into the woods]
Steve: HAH! I replaced myself in Journey with--myself!!
Jon: It's been you the whole time!
Steve: Yep. Sucks to be you, don't it?
Steve: Come on, Jon, Steve Augeri? Rhymes with Perry? Any more of a hint would have bitten you in the ass. I'll be goin' now, I'm working on a web site. I'm gonna make my tunes available so's no one HAS to steal them. You guys might think about that.
[Steve walks away whistling]
[Jon goes back to posing half naked on beaches, is discovered by Hustler, and becomes a porn star where he accidentally runs into his ex-wife Tane']
[Neal starts a cult that speaks only in code that looks like this: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
[Deen is hired by Michael Bolton]
[Ross spends the rest of his days touring high school reunions and claiming that he invented post-its]
The Absolute Goddamn END