(c)2008 b stearns


Crack written to clear my head and prove that I can write something without a single curse word in it. Gen, G, 675 words.

Disney purchases the rights to Supernatural and airs it on Tuesday nights on ABC at 7:30. The show is retitled to aim for a different audience (see above). Eric Kripke sets fire to himself outside an ABC studio shortly after.



Sam woke to Dean displaying frustration in the parking lot of a low priced but extremely clean and honestly run motel. They had purchased the room the evening past with the proceeds from the sale of wildflowers they had gathered in an environmentally friendly way from several meadows in the heartland of the great nation they lived in.


Sam got up. He was already fully clothed in reasonable sweatpants, sweatshirt and socks. He put slippers on and went to see what Dean was having difficulty with.

The Impala (with legal registration tags and a legally purchased license plate) sat legally parked near the door of their room. It was liberally covered in shaving cream that was melting in the wholesome early sunlight. The inappropriate phrase Winchesters Suck was scrawled along the side.

“I wonder who did this,” Sam said, looking puzzled.

Demons,” Dean said in an excessive display of pique. He had been working on controlling his temper through various breathing techniques, but they had failed him for once.

“Now Dean,” Sam said, ever the voice of reason, “you know there’s no such thing. They’re simply misunderstood youth with poor judgment, and they disagree with our methods of setting them on the correct path.”

“This is very vexing, Sam,” Dean said, trying to be reasonable.

“I agree,” Sam said. “Come have a cup of herbal tea, and let us discuss ways to rectify this situation.”

They sat and had tea, fully clothed in several layers and sitting far apart so as not to insinuate that they might have undue affection for one another.

“I want to find them and TP their houses,” Dean said.

“You know that won’t do a bit of good,” Sam said. “We need to get them to understand the error of their ways.”

“But I would also like to rearrange their furniture, and possibly knock on their doors and run away,” Dean said.

“These feelings are normal,” Sam said. “Try to repress them.”

“I’m so glad you went to college, Sam,” Dean said. “Higher learning is a worthwhile endeavor.”

“I’m so glad you have been here to ground me, Dean,” Sam said. “Your blue collar everyman mein is a perfect counterpoint to my intellectual approach.”

“I appreciate you, Sam,” Dean said in a completely appropriate, brotherly, heterosexual way.

“Let’s determine where the shaving cream was purchased by analyzing it, then track the perpetrators of this heinous misunderstanding, and have a reasonable discussion with them,” Sam said.

They worked together closely (without touching) in the spirit of upstanding Republican moral teamwork and values. Their careful approach and compassion towards those who were not of the same mindset as themselves was a boon to humankind.

The clerk behind the counter of the nearest convenience store greeted them cordially and advised them that several individuals had purchased a case of shaving cream and had been raucous in doing so.

“I believe they said a few unnecessary things about your parents,” the clerk said.

“That tears it,” Dean said. “Now I’ll have to be fairly stern with them.”

“We respect our dead parents,” Sam said. “Sometimes, we feel desperately sad in our separate beds about the loss of these fine people who only wanted the best for us.”

They thanked the clerk, then stopped at a family owned juice bar and had some sparkling water.

“We may never track down these scofflaws, Dean,” Sam said. “We have to accept that we can only do so much.”

“In the meantime, let’s help someone cross the street safely,” Dean suggested.

They did. Then they went back to the motel and washed the car with a minimum of water and remained fully clothed while doing so.

“Sammy?” Dean said after a fashion, “Sometimes I want to harm myself.”

“Yes,” Sam replied, “I agree; I often feel the urge to put something sharp and sturdy through one of my eyes.”

They brushed their teeth for ten straight minutes, watched an old episode of I Love Lucy, and went to bed early to enjoy the sleep of the just.